Stream of Consciousness

So today has been a rough day. It started last night. I had high hopes of getting things done. I got most of them done, but still I am frustrated. One thing that did not happen was I was unable to buy my books for next semester. My parents graciously gave me money for how much my books were about a month ago, but now that schools are in session, the really cheep books are no longer available online. I am still saving around 50%, even so I am still just over $10 short. $10 is such a little amount, yet at this moment it is a large sum of money that I do not have. I am working this evening and getting paid $12 so I can buy my books tomorrow (hopefully the prices have not gone up again.), but that will put me at about zero dollars to my name. The worst part is that I thought I would have about $20 left after books that I could use to take me gf out for our 1 year anniversary this friday, but no I have not money.

I could buy international text books, but I did that this last semester and they are ok, but the covers fail since they are just paper back. Maybe I will by the international editions and some contact paper and fix up the covers nicely. That will still be cheeper then the US editions. And lighter then hardback. But still I the international editions might have error or other stuff like that. Not sure all I know is that I have money and college. I see why things that are unneeded cost money, but all I want to do is learn. I can only image the frustration of being truly poor and just wanting to learn, but being unable ’cause I did not have the money. That would be Hell for me.

Also with this and other stress an introvert like myself would love to just relax in a space I can call my own. But that is not really possible. I live in a triple in a dorm meaning space is tight, and most spaces are shared. On top of that the room is not the cleanest; this makes it very very hard for me to relax.


On top of this I have changed a lot in the last year. And very few people know the new me. I don’t even really understand the new me. It would me nice to find my center again, but where do I grab inorder to balance myself. I have very little that I can claim and I do not want to bring others down or use them.

Maybe I do need to hold on to others and use them of a while. As cruches or something. But who? Most people I know are no more stable then I am. They often come to me to learn how to stabilize themselves. Don’t you get it people I am a mess about to fall!

Well hopefully I catch myself soon or this could become a very interesting blog of a very lost and confused college student trying to fumble in the darkness.



So the last couple of days have been very very interesting, causing a slow up thank you’s and devotions. Luckily I am catching up.

Here is some highlights: My girlfriend’s parents came to town, Shabbat dinner failed, catching up with old friends, movie nights, networking, having pop corn being stolen, and no cafeteria food.

I also learned about myself. In living with two roommates it is interesting to learn how to live in a shared space. I need my space in order to relax, or else I become a stressed out monkey. It is hard to find your space in a triple when even the floor around your desk chair doubles as a bedside table. I think I am growing out of dorm life. I love hanging with people and being in a good community that is college, but I need a place to retreat to and my room is currently not it.

I am thinking about rearranging things in order to try to find balance.